Issues in Family Violence

Spring/Summer 2002

The Search for Change: Culture, Contradictions and Consequences

John Went

In our last issue of Issues, we reprinted a letter from an abused woman who was hoping to learn how to identify concrete examples of behavior change in abusive men. Her husband, from whom she was separated, was pressuring her to get a date for his return, while at the same time seeing other women. He, like many other abusive men, has a way with words that makes him both charming and convincing about his supposed belief changes. The writer hoped to be able to see past her husband’s words.

For the most part, any progress in abusive men who are engaged in some context of change (an abusers program, jail, separation or divorce proceedings) can be captured in the phase, “Watch his feet, not his mouth.” In other words, his behavior describes his beliefs better than does his words. This is especially true of a man who is verbally abusive and attacks emotions and self-confidence rather than bodies. Things they learn while in the program can even enhance manipulative words: “Now I see how controlling I’ve been. Just take me back and I’ll show you I’ve changed.” He is now stating that any positive changes depend on his partner’s behavior, just as he might have made her responsible for his abusive behavior.

Change does not occur in a straight line. We do not move from controlling to non-controlling with constant forward movement along a path. It is better thought of as a three-dimensional spiral in which a man faces, over and over, similar challenges to his controlling nature, sometimes managing them well, and sometimes returning to old behavior. Each time he is not controlling he moves up the spiral. If he continues his controlling behavior each time he is faced with a challenge, he will remain at the same level on the spiral, essentially going around in circles. Talking only helps to form a new direction for his feet to move. The words do not mean there is serious change.

Concrete changes, as he walks the walk, can be seen in three areas of his life experiences: culture, contradictions and consequences. These are “intervention concepts” here at the Non-Violence Alliance, and provide us with a map for behavior change. Most men will spontaneously state their cultural beliefs, personal contradictions, and opinions about consequences, and most men will readily demonstrate their beliefs in these areas, showing us their progress or lack thereof. Their victims will experience the changes, not hear them.

Culture as a Sign of Change

Culture is what we have been taught about how we should be in the world. We learn the way we should be through family, friends, ethnic and racial orientations, religion, media and trips to McDonald’s. Culture strongly affects how we think and act. Abusive, controlling men have clear ideas about the way life “should” be.

One aspect of culture teaches us about power and who must be in charge. For the most part, those in charge are at the top of hierarchies. In the culture of the United States, those at the top have historically been men, generally, white and rich. However, most of our other cultural groups attempt this same type of hierarchy, including places of work, religious groups, motorcycle clubs, street gangs and political gatherings. Abusive, controlling men often apply this structure to their ideas about family life.

Within most cultural groups, there are supports for, and supports against, violence. If an abusive man is talking about this fact of his culture, he will usually state a strong belief against violence, followed by a “but.” Examples of this dual nature might be, “A man should never hit a woman but….” Or, “I know women have rights too, but….” Our letter-writer noted her husband’s continued involvement with other women. I’m sure this man would be able to find cultural support for this behavior as it is commonly accepted in many male sub-cultures. He would probably explain to her why it is acceptable after telling her why it is wrong. The words would only describe to her his conflicting beliefs. But to show her he no longer intends to diminish her or put her in physical danger through sexually transmitted diseases, he needs to take a stand against what he has been taught is acceptable in his culture. He needs to move his feet in his wife’s direction and leave the other women, and the abusive side of his culture, behind.

Each man’s culture helps define who he is and how he should act. To put down anyone’s culture is to minimize all the human beings who are defined by it. However, when abuse occurs, the parts of any culture that support non-violence must be highlighted and encouraged while those that support violence and abuse must be challenged. If an abusive man can challenge the abusive qualities of his own culture, he will ultimately change his behavior to match his newly developed non-violent cultural beliefs.

Contradictions as Signs of Behavior Change

Although an abusive man often acts like he is sure of himself and his beliefs, he is filled with contradictions. Contradictions can be thinking (cognitive or mental) experiences during which he is confused or unsure, or where two opposing concepts both seem true. Or physical experiences as when he is treating his family different than other people he knows (such as employers or friends). Or emotional experiences such as when he feels hate or rage towards a person he loves.

The moment-to-moment work to end abusive behavior occurs when a man tries to reduce or eliminate these contradictions. If an abuser makes a commitment to change, he will use these contradictions to “talk the talk” and give the appearance of change. This is because his words actually match one side of his contradictions. To some extent, since he believes what he is saying, his words ring true with listeners. Unfortunately, he also believes the contradictions, and the listeners can be easily manipulated by what they hear.

This is why our “letter writer” says that her husband is “sooo very charming and convincing with his words.” This is why police officers are often taken in by a completely calm man who just moments ago was holding his wife by the throat, against a wall, threatening to kill her. His words do not match his behavior. He is talking on one side of his contradictions, and acting on the other.

Change in the area of contradictions can best be seen in the concept of “being still.” Contradictions are essentially an internal experience and therefore must be dealt with by using an internal focus. Instead of trying to convince his family that he has changed, the family will notice that he is quieter and perhaps even more anxious or troubled. But in this state of higher anxiety, he will not attempt to enlist others in his attempt to calm himself (e.g., “If you just let me back, I’ll show you how much I have changed.”). Resolving his anxiety, or depression, becomes an internal, spiritual, and timeless experience. It rests in the concept of “being still.”

Therefore, as he starts the change process it can be seen in his ability to take “time outs” or physically end a potential moment of abuse by stepping away. As he more completely enters the change process, the focus of his attention becomes himself and the ability to manage his own confusion. Any focus on his victims will be sincere concern for the pain he has caused, with no expectations for signs of forgiveness. His ability to change will not depend on others, but on himself.

Consequences for Change

In our experience, abusers do not change without consequences for their behavior, either external or internal. Examples of external consequences are arrest, jail, loss of children, divorce, separation or other imposed costs. Internal consequences are related to an abuser’s self-concept and life goals, which are intertwined with society and culture. For example, he may not begin to change until he is confronted with the reality that he is repeating his father’s behavior pattern that he promised himself he would end. Or he may now experience the fear in the eyes of his children when he begins to be abusive.

At the beginning of the change process, an abuser will resist any consequence and try to convince others that he has learned his lesson and should be given a fresh start. He will say such things as “Please forget what I did and give me another chance. The past is the past. I won’t do it again.” These sorts of statements are subtle attempts to shift responsibility for his change to others. He says he will do fine if others stop their anger and fear.

Lifting consequences too early, therefore, will shift the burden of change to the victim. The abuser is less likely to feel his own pain, hurt, fear or confusion caused by his behavior, and continue to inflict these things on his victim(s). A child protection agency can similarly shift the burden of change by focusing attention on the mom’s behavior, not dad’s.

As an abuser gets deeper into the change process, consequences become road signs of his need to change, rather than obstacles to be overcome. He understands that consequences will diminish or end when his abusive behavior diminishes and ends. He will wait for the “consequence imposers” to reduce their pain, hurt, fear and confusion so they will end the particular consequence. And he will engage in a process to learn how to manage his own internal consequences of his abuse.

It helps us a great deal to assess real change in abusive men to see how they are managing culture, contradictions and consequences. The path along the spiral of change begins with a readiness to talk through these areas, and ends will his feet moving in the direction of non-controlling, non-abusive behavior.

(c) 2002, The Non-Violence Alliance. Permission to reprint with the following information "Originally published in Issues in Family Violence, Volume 4, Issue 3 Spring/Summer 2002, The Non-Violence Alliance, www.endingviolence.com."