Issues in Family Violence

Winter 2005

Don't Feel, Don't Connect

John Went

In an Issues article several years ago (Winter 1999), David Mandel discussed the need to assess an abusive man’s boundary violations in order to understand his level of dangerousness. A simple expression of boundary-setting can be found in the statement, “No, you can’t do that to me.” The level to which an abuser is willing to ignore that request gives us some understanding of his dangerousness. As Mr. Mandel suggested, survivors of boundary violations are in the best place to know the abuser’s dangerousness. In addition, organizations and individuals working to end domestic violence can assess their own policies as to, “What is acceptable to us?” Courts, victim advocates and others need to be clear about what level of boundary violations are “acceptable” so they may make it clear to their clients how they will do their work.

There is, however, another side to boundaries that can help guide us to knowing whether an abusive man is attempting to end his dangerous behavior. For as much as abusers knowingly and willingly violate the boundaries of others, they are constantly defending their own internal boundaries through the use of physical or mental abuse, or other controlling behavior. During the split second thinking in an incident of abuse the thought is, “I need to get her before she gets me.” This is not necessarily a rational thought, and is rarely expressed verbally. The thought is immediately acted upon and the survivor’s boundaries are shattered. His follow-up thought which is almost always expressed verbally is, “It’s your fault I did that and you deserved it.” In an abusive and mean way, he has now come full circle to believing he was the victim of her boundary violations.

But what internal boundaries does he believe she is attacking? We can think of most human behavior as taking place on any of four dimensions: physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Abusive men are generally behaving in the physical or mental dimensions. They are often emotionally incompetent or spiritually incomplete. Therefore, the connecting piece between the defensive thought and the abusive action is most likely to be an emotional or spiritual boundary. The internal boundaries that he believes he needs to protect can be labeled Don’t Feel, and Don’t Connect. Don’t Feel is most often about fear, and Don’t Connect is most often about loss of self.

Don’t Feel, especially regarding fear, is a boundary that is fairly easily described. A simple question such as, “How did you feel when she said that?” can elicit the protected feeling with just a little more discussion and/or education. Don’t Connect as an expression of a spiritual boundary may be a little more complicated because male language does not have a good supply of words that connote non-religious spirituality. Sometimes an abuser will express it spatially as in, “She got in my face,” or “I need my space and she won’t let me alone.” Abusers will erect a strong boundary or “wall” to protect themselves from this intensity of connectedness. More spiritually developed men do not view this as a loss of self and may seek out greater connectedness through arguing, discussing or other forms of communication that will merge his self with hers to develop greater connectedness.

So if an abuser is making a commitment to end his abuse, he might have to be willing to experience fear and loss of his personal space. Abusive behavior is the wall that protects him from feeling afraid and allows him to maintain the “right” distance from his partner and children. When we ask him to give up violence and control, we are in fact taking away his best defenses and leaving him feeling very vulnerable. But in our experience, men who are willing to experience this vulnerability, whether it is in a program or with members of his family, are the ones who become less dangerous.

What they learn in effective programs is that the maintenance of these emotional and spiritual boundaries through abuse and control of others is actually weak, and a caricature of manliness. They will begin to feel stronger when they learn to first “sit with” and then deal with normal human emotions. They will feel stronger when they develop compassion for others and feel the power of a spiritual connection with those who care about them. “You can’t do that to me,” is replaced by “I wonder what she means by that?”

(c) 2005, The Non-Violence Alliance. Permission to reprint with the following information "Originally published in Issues in Family Violence, Volume 5, Issue 3 Winter 2005, The Non-Violence Alliance, www.endingviolence.com."